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HeroicStories #311: Change Of Outlook
(Published 10 June 2002) Change of Outlook didn't seem controversial when we published it, but it became "one of those stories" that caught us by surprise. In this case, it wasn't the story itself that surprised us, but one reader's response, which follows the story below. What didn't surprise us, though, were the responses we received after that, from the rest of the readers. We got hundreds of responses to Jim's comment. What follows, of course, is just a representative sample. It ends where it should: with a reply from Jennifer, the author of the story that started it all.
Change Of Outlook
I participated in an Alternative Spring Break (ASB) in 2001 through Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan. In ASB, participants travel someplace during spring break to do volunteer work. Education is a primary focus of ASB; before break we learn about the issue we will volunteer with. I spent that spring break in Atlanta working with AIDS patients. My group helped Project Open Hand prepare and deliver meals to homebound patients. We also helped one day in a daycare for children affected by the virus. (Either they had AIDS, or their caregiver did, or both.) On the third day, Wednesday, three of my group members and I piled into the van to deliver coolers of food. Several meal recipients lived in high rises and some had specific instructions for delivery: leave food in cooler next to door, knock loudly, and similar. One client had no cooler outside because someone had been stealing his food. There was a note next to his name to leave the food with his neighbor. "He must have just stepped out because I just saw him," the neighbor told us. We wanted to leave a note on his door so he would know his food was waiting next door, but we lacked pen and paper. We went down to the building lobby to find what we needed.
"Are you Paul?" one of my friends asked. "Yes, that's me," he answered. We told him we left the food with his neighbor. He thanked us and then said, "Don't forget to smile, your smiles make the world a better place." Even now I feel a shiver run down my spine and tears well up in my eyes at the thought of Paul. You could tell by looking at his body that he was sick, but when you looked at his face you saw no fear, anger or pain. There was a wonderful shine in his eyes and a broad smile on his face. Paul was sick, sick enough that he needed to have his food prepared and delivered to him, but he didn't let that get him down. I went down to Atlanta to help people, but I never expected one of them to help me. Now whenever I face a tough situation I think of Paul and his undefeatable attitude. If he can look death in the eye and smile -- then surely I can get through less difficult situations. I knew that my ASB experience was going to change my outlook on life, but I am surprised that I can sum it all up in one sentence. Don't forget to smile, your smiles make the world a better place. Story Editor: Joyce Schowalter  One Reader's Comment Within an hour of publication, we received the following e-mail with the subject "Sad, Sad, Sad", presented here in its entirety, unedited: Jim in Missouri: I don't know why I bother writing as I doubt this letter will ever be published. However, your most recent story featuring Jennifer, ASB, and the "poor, unfortunate, yet dignified victim" Paul went beyond the pale, and my disgust at your liberal-oriented propaganda raised my gorge and forced me to respond. Our Reaction We responded to Jim's comments in the same issue: Well now. Carpal tunnel is a "behavior-related disease". So are Black-lung disease, alcoholism, obesity, diabetes, heart disease, liver cancer, firemen's accidents... and so forth.And comment they did. The Readers Comment Kelly, a high school student in Oregon: It's upsetting to me that people like Jim would choose to point fingers at AIDS victims instead of seeking a cure or helping those who have contracted it. What could anyone possibly hope to accomplish by blaming patients for their own sickness? They'll still be sick, and they'll probably be depressed as well. I ask this question of myself whenever I am tempted to judge someone: of what use will it be if I decide that they are at fault? Will it help their situation? Will it make the world a better place? The answer is almost invariably an emphatic "NO." In my mind, any criteria which help me act in a loving manner and create a more comfortable world are good, and any which cause me to degrade or hurt people are bad. Of course, it is helpful for doctors or those in positions of authority to establish risky behaviors which may increase an individual's chances of contracting the HIV virus, but of what use is this criticism from average citizens? Surely Jim himself has made mistakes in his lifetime. I find that through acting with love towards all people regardless of their actions, I have more influence over their behavior in the long run anyhow, and instead of creating a world filled with a little more hatred, I create a world with a little more love. When Jim makes a mistake and needs help, I will not condemn him either. All are entitled to love, respect, and compassion, including those who do not choose to act this way towards others. Jane in California: Thank you for having the courage to publish Jim's letter and taking the time to debunk his claims. Ignoring such attitudes does not make them go away. Maybe some of your readers will learn something. Carl in Oregon: For me it comes down to this: we can be like Jim and look past the person to see the disease, pointing fingers of blame for behavior (that may or may not have taken place) and make an ugly scene, or we can be like Jennifer and see past the disease to see the person, and in the process both provide comfort and receive benefit from interacting with and respecting another human. Which makes the world a better place, and which makes it ugly? I'll stick with Jennifer every time. When someone insists on trying to force others to live by their standards, the world suffers -- as we saw so clearly on September 11. Wake up, Jim! Chris in Illinois: Outlooks like Jim's on the disease HIV/AIDS allowed it to balloon into an epidemic. No one paid it much attention, so long as the risk of contracting it was generally confined to demographics of society considered "deviant." Only when it became obvious that anyone could contract this disease did public opinion allow financing to combat it. While the tide is now being turned (mainly through prevention), this infectious disease could have been slowed much earlier. My faith in humanity is reinforced by the fact that so many of us (yes, I include myself) changed our minds and decided to support the right actions against a disease that attacks all people -- instead of brushing it aside and thinking, "It's not my problem." I am sorry that it took as long as it did for that to happen. Mark in California: My wife is a physician. I have personal, first-hand knowledge of people -- physicians, nurses, firefighters -- who have, in the course of performing their jobs, become exposed to HIV. I suppose that all firefighters are just "liberals", in that they willingly risk their lives in order to provide assistance to those in need. Likewise all other heath care professionals. I know some homosexuals who suffer from HIV, and several who have died. Some were liberal, some were conservative. None "chose" to have this disease. Some were exposed before common knowledge of the disease and its transmission vectors were available; some had protection measures fail. Lung cancer, emphysyma, etc. are largely due to lifestyle choices. Love of cigarettes = death. Liver failure is frequently caused by overuse of alcohol. Excessive love of liquor = death. HIV, in some cases, is transmitted by "lifestyle choice" -- a desire to make physical love to another person; so, in this case, love of the "wrong" person = death. I personally know that I would be happier knowing that what "got me" was the act of sharing my love with another human being -- not the act of puffing stimulants or drinking depressants for a short-term high. I'm certainly not inclined to pass judgement on anyone given only the knowledge of their symptoms. A man with lung cancer may have contracted it from a wide variety of sources and never have done anything to "bring it on himself". All I see is that a human being is suffering and I hope that I would do what I can to help. That is what any human should aspire to. If your perspective is that we must all help ourselves, then I would posit that we are all in fact free riders on the good deeds of others, since we did not come into the world fully formed and independent. Kimberly in Georgia: I have been a volunteer community HIV/AIDS educator in Atlanta since 1987 and a major fan of Project Open Hand/Atlanta since 1988. In the intervening years I have watched people as individuals and the nation as a whole struggle to see beyond the powerful and secretive issues that AIDS forces us to confront. They range from death and dying, homophobia, drug use, sexuality, poverty, and racism -- to the human scale of the tragedy and the need for a humane response. In 1988 Project Open Hand/Atlanta had five volunteers, today they have 1,500. I wish I could say that Jim's vitriolic response comes as a complete surprise to me but his views are still held by a sizeable percentage of the general public. The good news is that, like Jennifer, a larger percentage of the general public has had a change of outlook. I can remember when it wasn't possible to give a public lecture on AIDS without having to face the reaction of people like this. On one memorable occasion a surgeon attending a medical association dinner meeting on AIDS ethical and legal issues threw his food at me as I stood behind the dais. However, most people have slowly come to terms with the idea that no one deserves to lose their life to AIDS due to a stupid mistake, error of judgement, or plain bad luck. If we all were subject to those rules, there would be precious few of us left on the planet. Jim is wrong when he says that there was nothing "heroic" about Jennifer's story. It takes a special brand of bravery to risk opening yourself up to new ideas, to see a human in someone you were taught to think of as "other." I think the world is a better place now because Jennifer is in it. On the other hand, I also think that the world may be a better place because Jim is in it. He may never volunteer at Open Hand himself but, hey, you never know. Growth happens. Ben in Australia: I've done a little charity work over the years. Once I even had the fortune of helping an AIDS sufferer in small ways. (Like the assistance Jennifer provided".) The experience was both very rewarding and eye-opening. Not only did this person have the misfortune of contracting a terrible disease, but he was also left to deal with it alone (for the most part) because he was ostracised by people who were prejudiced about his condition! However, despite your attitude, Jim, I'd still be willing to deliver you a "free lunch" in your hour of need! I believe that's what HeroicStories is about: People reaching out and helping others without thought to political affiliation, religion, race, social standing, shoe size, surfing ability or creed. In a world which would take Jim's ideas to their natural conclusion, every kind act would have to be carefully vetted so as to ensure we didn't accidentally assist someone who had failed to pay their taxes, had used drugs, or was homosexual. Fortunately we're actually living in the real world where we can make a real difference -- so go Jennifer! John from California: "Liberal [adj] -- giving freely, generous (Liberal-oriented -> focused on giving freely). Propaganda [n] -- any systematic, widespread dissemination or promotion of particular ideas, doctrines or practices." Ergo HeroicStories is a systematic and widespread dissemination of stories of people giving and being generous. Funny how the most profound compliments come from our those who look down on us. I hope you thanked Jim. Anne in Ontario, Canada: I've been called "naive" and "do-gooder" so many times, I've lost track. But who cares? I feel good about what I do, and if I can make one life easier to live, give one person a reason to smile, then I have reason to be happy with myself. I'm sure Jim has his pet projects as well, where he gives of himself or his money, but his "reality" glasses don't offer the wider vision you get with rose-coloured glasses. Chuck in Indiana: I enjoy stories of people helping people. As far as politics go, I didn't vote for President Reagan in 1980 or 1984 because I thought he was too liberal. Jim must not know that to be personally kind to others, instead of forcing others to do it for you by law, is how I measure how a person has grown in responsibility and maturity. Incidentally, we all have problems of some kind. Mine are the result of my choices. I appreciate those who have helped me in spite of my foolishness. I hope Jim is blessed with the same kind "conservatives" (those who are kind because it is right, not because it is the law). David in Atlanta: I used to think of myself as a conservative. I'm strongly for smaller government and more freedom to make and execute private contracts. I'm anti-Federalist and for States' rights. I fully and completely support the Second Amendment, no matter what you may say about needing a .50 calibre automatic assault weapon to hunt Bambi. There are even friends of mine who think I'm a nutcase because I think the Constitution is what matters instead of the reams of often-conflicting drivel that comes out of Congress every year. I believe in God, I'm a card-carrying member of my church, and I live my faith as well and strictly as I can. I think that rewriting history and political correctness are pretty much wrong no matter how you look at them. But now, thanks to Jim in Missouri and his clear identification of the liberal orientation of HeroicStories, I stand corrected and proudly call myself a liberal. Don in Kansas: Taking care of AIDS victims is expensive, but what is the alternative? Where do you stop if one segment of our population is labeled as disposable or not worth human kindness? Diane in Washington: Jim, you've most likely got a circle of friends who share your opinions. This no doubt encourages you to believe that your outrageous ideas are popular opinion, shared by many. The scariest part of your diatribe is that you appear to be including yourself when you talk about "ordinary, average, rule-abiding citizens". You are neither ordinary nor average. HeroicStories is filled with the type of uplifting inspiration that normal people love to read about. (Interesting that you'd call us "do-gooders"; do you see yourself as a "do-badder"?) Or do you think you've earned the right to pass judgement because the Good Book tells you that homosexuality is deviant behavior? If so, may I remind you of another passage from that same Good Book: "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Adrian in England: I read HeroicStories every issue and in general I enjoy it immensely. Occasionally I disagree with the opinions in some stories, but I believe that for civilisation to succeed a degree of tolerance is required, and we have to respect others' views even if they occasionally disagree with our own. When someone shows themselves to be as intolerant as Jim, then we all have to loudly point out to them that such behaviour is totally unacceptable. Perhaps if enough people point out to Jim just how unremittingly intolerant he is, the message might get through. Sue in West Virginia: As for saying there is nothing heroic in the story, oh, but is Jim ever wrong!! Too often the media reports only the negative things the teenagers of the world do. It's nice to know that there are still teens out there who care enough about others to take the time to help them and not judge them. Bless you Jennifer and all the other young people like you. It's nice to know that my own daughters aren't the only teens who still care. Gentry in North Carolina: As much as could be said to reply to Jim's "Sad, sad, sad" comments, I think I'll take a different approach. To ensure that he knows how I feel about people affected with HIV/AIDS, and to let him know how I feel about people of color (black, brown, green, red, yellow, all of them) regardless of what country they are from, and to make SURE he knows my position on HeroicStories, I am making a contribution to the HS Reader's Sponsorship Fund in the name of Missouri Jim. Thank you, Jim, for helping me make this important step towards furthering HeroicStories' mission. And thank you, Gentry. We've added your name to the list on our Fund page. Tamara in Australia: I'm not religious, but "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Diane in Maine: Jim does not speak for me. I have enjoyed HeroicStories since I found it. I felt that the story in #311 was just the type I can expect from HS and part of the reason I look forward to receiving them every week. If we can not have compassion for someone, regardless of color, dying of a disease, no matter how they got it, what hope is there for us? Some cancer is caused by smoking, do cancer suffers not deserve our compassion? If you're skiing and break your leg (behavior-related problem), should you just be left on the hillside to die? If you are in a car accident, driving too fast, should we leave you on the side of the road, like some poor animal, to die in pain and fear? I don't think that we should make that kind of statement toward our fellow human beings. Compassion should be given to all who need it, not just to those we think deserve it. Stephen in Texas: I grew up in a very racially tense environment, and had an extreme bigot for a stepfather. I endured physical threats and occasional violence simply because I chose to value people regardless of external factors. What matters most is to value people for who they are inside. That is the only choice that we ever really get to make. Ren in Virginia: HeroicStories is not judgemental, and I like that. In HS, I've seen a lot of people say, in essense, "OK, maybe I made a mistake, maybe I made a mess of my life and I was feeling hopeless. Then someone helped me anyway, without judging me. It's hard to believe, but it happened, and I'm grateful." In HeroicStories, people also say: "I am going out of my way to help you, whatever your problem is, because it's the right thing to do. I ask nothing in return, because I want you to pass it on, not pay it back. And it's entirely possible that someday I will need help, too. I hope there are people who will help me, as well." I love HeroicStories. :-) Donna in Virginia: I have never commented before, but Jim has inspired me to "come out of the closet." These comments offended me. I'm a Christian woman and my beliefs teach that homosexual interaction is a violation of God's rules. I'm politically conservative and a Republican. I believe our government can be too liberal and that assistance programs are often misused. That said, I found Jim's statements much more offensive than either a biblical violation of homosexuality or abuses of our assistance programs. We are all, first and foremost, human, and that means we make mistakes. Even if I assume that Paul contracted AIDS via unsafe sex or sharing illegal drug needles, he clearly is a person that understands the power of the human spirit to affect others with simple kindness and a smile. That he could continue to do so at a time in his life when giving of himself was most costly to him makes him a hero in my eyes. It is neither my place to judge Paul for his possible mistakes, nor is it Jim's. We are put on this earth to help each other through the trials that we will all endure on our way through. That's something our current culture so often forgets. And it's what HeroicStories is all about -- reminding us all of the power of kindness. Paul in Colorado: There's a part in the bible where Jesus said to love our God and our neighbor as ourselves. As a Catholic Christian, I believe we must leave the judgement to God. We may suspect the cause of a person's problems, but we never really know -- God does! And He punishes or rewards with perfect justice." Brad in Arizona: As a Christian, I disagree and do not approve of a many of the possible behaviors that could have resulted in Paul contracting HIV (homosexual sex, extramarital sex, drug abuse), but that should never affect my ability to love and care for Paul as a person nor should it affect my ability to have compassion for his condition or situation. In very many of the HS stories (as in life), someone needing "heroic" assistance played some part in getting in that situation. They made bad decisions, they hung out with the wrong crowd, they got stuck in some situation due to a choice they made. How does any of that make them unworthy of compassion? Richard in California: You were pretty rough on Jim. He brought out many good points. The fastest growing segment of new AIDS cases' may very well be in the heterosexual community, but, as reported by local health officials, month after month, about 75% of new AIDS cases are caused by male-to-male homosexual activity. Eliminate this, eliminate 75% of AIDS. Or is that too simple?Probably. Read on. Debby in Colorado: Your information on Africa is correct but, I feel, understated. The figures are horrifying. Over 10 million people are already dead and at least 25 million will likely follow. (I personally think these figures are too conservative.) 25% of those already dead were children, born with the disease. 12 million children have been orphaned by parents dying of AIDS-related causes. In some areas, 30% of newborns are HIV positive. Life expectancy on the African continent is expected to drop to 30 by 2010. I was born in Africa. I am an African. I am 30. Read these, and see if you can manage not to care: http://www.time.com/time/2001/aidsinafrica/ and http://www.msnbc.com/c/0/22/330/ssMain.asp David in Massachusetts: "Change of Outlook" #311 was a truly heroic story. I praise the author's deeds -- helping others regardless of race or circumstance. I have been living with AIDS for the past 12 years. I have worked all my life and have paid into the system. What I receive back in the form of Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) barely provides enough funds to allow me to live. I am fortunate that my employer provided me with private disability insurance to allow me to get by as a disabled individual. Also very important: I am taxed by the Federal and State governments on most of the money I receive from SSDI and all of my private disability insurance benefits. The main reason I had to leave work and go on disability is that I got Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a disease not related to being gay or having AIDS. I pay for my own home, pay greatly for my own health insurance, and pay taxes on my income and property, pay for my own meals, etc. I am fortunate to have paid for my own education and worked very hard to reach a level of income where I could support myself and contribute to charities for those who are not as fortunate as I am. Trust me, no one has paid anything for my care nor that of many people with similar illnesses. Instead we pay for those who are less fortunate than we are regardless of race, gender, circumstance or disease. I have to stop writing, as I must prepare a lesson for my students. Since I completed my 10-month chemotherapy a year ago, when I felt physically able, I decided to volunteer some time as a Literacy Volunteer of America. I tutor three students in basic English skills, to help the less fortunate get ahead a little in life. Michael in Florida: I've only been a subscriber for a couple of months (wish I'd found the site years ago). Thank you for putting Jim in his place. As a person living with HIV (still healthy, thank the Tao) and dealing with the daily cocktail of drugs, I can attest that your response was right on and to the point. As for the charges of HeroicStories being a "liberal" publication, I'm a "card-carrying" member of the "liberal left". Frankly, I was a bit timid about subscribing to HS, expecting the usual glurge of feel-good nonsense I see in my local newspaper. I have been delightfully surprised, to say the least. Several stories have brought tears to my eyes, and I try to be more aware of those around me and what I can do in the conspiracy to make the world a better place. Geoff in California: You missed the point entirely, and I'm a little puzzled as to why you did. Jim called you liberal simply because you profiled a person who he sees as gay. Nowhere was it mentioned in your story that the fellow was gay, but Jim made that assumption and, in the mind of a large part of our population, if you don't hate gays, you are liberal, and if you are liberal you are beneath contempt. When the communists fell, gay people took over as the people to hate and fear. Some people need that in their lives, and some need that as a vehicle to control the thoughts of those who won't think for themselves. My grandmother died of a heart attack. A disease brought on by herself -- she worked too hard her entire life. Smoking related cancer deaths drain more resources from the nation than AIDS, and that kind of cancer is a behavior related disease. But smoking is manly. Not a sin. If Paul were proven to be a straight health worker and hemophiliac, maybe Jim would have some compassion, but the fact that Jim sees gays as evil and less than human makes him blind to a man's suffering. Actually, if Paul were a hemophiliac, Jim probably would think he deserved it because he was weak. Tom in California: I need to comment about the AIDS victim getting food. It is wonderful to use our lives to help. It is terrible to be judgmental and to assume that someone's lifestyle is to blame. We are not to judge someone's lifestyle but only to help. This is our duty as human beings. Only to help. We are the same throughout history. Only love makes the difference. This is not liberal or conservative -- but the best we can do. To make the world a better place one person at a time. And finally, story author Jennifer in Michigan responds: Jim's reply to my story both angered and saddened me. To start with, I am not a "fool" as Jim apparently believes. I am a caring, compassionate person who just wanted to do something nice, just wanted to give back to the world that has given me so much. I have no right to make assumptions of how Paul got sick, and I certainly am not the one to pass judgement on him. We all have made mistakes -- done things that we later wished we hadn't -- that had negative effects. If Paul did indeed become infected by not being careful then it was just that, a mistake. No one deserves to be abandoned by society and left to die alone simply because they made a mistake. I am not a hero for "seeing past the disease." In fact I never even "saw the disease." All I saw was a person, a human being just like me who needed some assistance. Further, I never saw myself as being heroic, and I never meant for the story to be interpreted that way. Clearly the hero in this story is Paul. His attitude has literally changed my life. He said, "Don't forget to smile, your smiles make the world a better place." That one sentence is so very simple, but it has had a dramatic effect on my life, on the person that I am. It's very hard to freak out over final exams when I think of Paul. It's impossible to stay angry or depressed when I think of Paul. I am a better person for having met Paul, and I am very sorry that Jim's prejudiced attitude may never afford him the opportunity to meet someone so wonderful.
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