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Paulette's Story: More Reader Letters

Of course I knew that Paulette's story would be a bit controversial, and would bring lots of comments from readers. I even knew there would be angry, even nasty comments. I would guess the author faces such anger, nastiness and hostility every day. Yet there are people in the world who do realize that she has done nothing to them. That even if she has committed some sort of "sin", it was not against them, and does not deserve to be castigated by strangers. That was the very point of original story (which is "permanently" on the site here, along with many of the original letters that came in about it): despite being rejected by many friends, one friend had the courage to accept her as a human being -- for who she is, rather than for what she looks like because, he thought, "It Ain't for the Likes of Me to Judge" her.

HeroicStories publisher Randy Cassingham with Paulette and (front) Managing Editor Kit Riley, who championed, and edited, Paulette's story.

I -- and HeroicStories Managing Editor Kit Riley -- had the privilege of meeting Paulette shortly after the story ran. We can both attest that she is a delightful, interesting, intelligent and fun person!

This story brought more mail than any other story ever. A lot of the comments are interesting, thoughtful, and (if I may say) quite eye-opening about what people in the world are really like -- both good and bad. I hope you'll take the time to read through this batch of letters, just as I certainly hope you read the original story and the first round of letters.

That said, this is it: we've moved on from this story, and don't need any more letters on the subject. Thanks.

If this looks too daunting, or you don't want to spend the time reading them all, please be sure to read the first two. They show, first, one of the very real effects of the kind of "moral" condemnation Paulette probably experiences on a day-to-day basis -- the destruction of life, which is why I think the principle here is so important. And, second, how people of faith can and do embrace people who live lives different than what we might be able to understand. I was accused by several readers of being "anti-Christian" -- apparently because I published several rants of Christians who spewed hate, backed up by what they thought was the imprimatur of their Bibles, and I had the temerity to argue with them. I am certainly not anti-Christian, but I do readily admit to being "anti-hypocritical", no matter what the hypocrite's religion. The second letter is from the kind of Christian I greatly respect: one who "walks the talk". And the last letter at the bottom gives me hope....

Donna in Colorado:

Thanks for the special HeroicStories segment. You read of so many hate crimes lately, and really they have been around since the dawn of time. It is time for people to accept others and not expect carbon copies of themselves. A few years back when Colorado had an amendment on the ballet to refuse special treatment to gays and it was passed it really devastated a lot of us. I am not gay, nor am I lesbian, just a normal human being that God placed on this earth. I do not try to judge because as Emil said it ain't for me to do so. However it was a very painful thing when the amendment passed. My nephew who was gay took his own life because he was afraid of what would happen next. We have not fully recovered from that. Hopefully the world will one day learn to love, just love and not judge.

The Rev. Christopher in Washington:

Thank you for your courage in publishing the discussion on transsexuality. Just so you know, I am a Christian and an ordained minister. The God I believe in is inclusive. My son is a female to male transsexual. Perhaps the strangest thing is that he was one of identical twin daughters. Brenda is completely female. Bonnie is, and always was, male. Born into the wrong body. Now, thanks to medical advances, Bonnie is Aidan and comfortable for the first time in his life. This process has forced me to confront my prejudices. First, I had to accept that Bonnie was a lesbian. That was tough, but it was a valuable learning experience. I learned that we do not "choose" our sexuality. I only realized this when I had to ask if I could "choose" to be anything other than what I am, a heterosexual. Of course, I cannot choose, any more than Bonnie could. How could any father not support his child in his innate sexuality? Apparently, some fathers can't. I decided to walk the talk. When Bonnie decided to become Aidan, I was challenged once again. How much was I supposed to give? The answer soon became obvious. My total support. I love my children beyond all reason. If I truly love them, then I must desire their happiness, whatever that entails. I know that Aidan is now comfortable as a man. He is relaxed and enjoying life. And I am doubly happy because now I have a son with whom I can share sexist jokes about blondes. God accepts transsexuals. It is only Her deluded children that do not.

Geneva in Missouri:

I agree that Emil is a hero. I appreciated the comment that one of your advisory board made about Paulette having some prejudices of her own. The fact is, we ALL have prejudices. We just don't see them because they are ours. I have relatives who are homosexual -- which I guess is not the same thing as a transexual, but still in that area that "straight" people can't really understand. I am straight. I don't understand, but I do know they are people, they feel, they think, they act! I love those people God has put into my life. I believe He put them there so I could grow and open my own mind a little. I am a person who has used religion (and the Bible) to not love people. I understand that though today I recognize that as very sick. Today, I know that God loves me because He created me. He loves his other children because He created them. If He created them with "different" sexual leaning, why should I despise it? I do believe He created them that way. I do not understand why, but I don't have to!

Susan in Ohio:

I have only recently begun receiving HeroicStories and it is wonderfully uplifting and heartwarming. Your choice to share this story has prompted my first response to thank you for promoting tolerance and acceptance. If just one person is touched by this story and changes their perception and behavior, that person can touch and help change many others. Being happy and expressing love in whatever form or belief is divine. Perhaps when more people realize this and and more importantly can act it out in themselves and with others, hate crimes and other acts of violence and greed will disappear.

Kim in Oregon:

I LOVE HeroicStories. I've not ever come upon one that I've felt the need to delete, or *shudder*, 'UNSUBSCRIBE'. Sure, there are a few that open the eyes a bit, but is that not how we grow??? I commend you and your 'HeroTalk' group for agreeing to run the story of Paulette and Emil. I think that we NEEDED to read this. There are so many of us 'holier than though' folks out there, and it's stories like this that truly bring them out of the woodwork. Flapping their Bibles in our faces and using God as the reason for their feelings and beliefs. Perhaps I should say their ugliness. *sigh* And, yes, I do believe that it IS God who is supposed to do the judging. My heart goes out to Paulette for all of these folks that she is bound to run into. I hope that she has the strength to not let them bring her down to their level. God bless you for allowing, no, encouraging us to examine just what is truly in our hearts. You just keep on blowing us out of the water!!!

Christine in Texas:

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that reaction to this story was so negative. I thought it was lovely. As a person who's had many gay and bisexual colleagues and friends, and a counselor who's worked with gay, bisexual, and transsexual men, I've seen the level of hatred and unacceptance that so many of them have to live with. How fortunate that Paulette found someone who could respect and accept her and her decisions; how sad that some people who read the story missed the point of acceptance. Maybe there's at least one person out there who read this and understood for the first time that "those people" really aren't any different from "us."

George in Pennsylvania:

I just want to thank you for including the story of Paulette Menard in HeroicStories. I have someone close in my life who is living with gender dysphoria, and I know how difficult it is for them. To be honest, I wouldn't call what Paulette or Emil did heroic (I guess I have a different opinion of what heroism is), but it's nice to see that people can be so accepting of a different situation. Actually, I don't even like the word "tolerant," as it implies that someone is just "putting up" with someone else's differences. But to truly accept someone, no matter what their difference is; that's the way I try to live my life. Basically, live and let live. In fact, I try hard to keep from acknowledging someone by their difference, such as "transsexual," "gay," "black," "white," etc, and just focus on them as a fellow human being. We're ALL made of the same stuff. I happen to be disabled, and would hope that people wouldn't refer to me as "the quadriplegic" all the time. Also, thank you for pointing out that no one would "choose to be completely at odds with everyone and everything." It was actually depressing to read some of the negative comments on your page concerning this story. I can't judge these people either, however I can only hope that they never have to face such aversion to their own lifestyles, or never have to experience the "pain" of being so "different." On the other hand, it was truly uplifting to see so much support for this story.

Judy in Ohio:

We have a woman in our company that has just completed her transformation and I forwarded the article to her. It is very uncomfortable for us in the company, many of the women will not use the restroom in the department and I admit that it is difficult for me to understand. BUT, your story helped me a little. Gerry wrote back that she appreciated your story.

Pedemonti (no location given):

Your story about the transsexual was right on the money. If you had Bibles thrown on you, those who threw them deserve them right back. How could any of us hate something that God himself created. Homosexuals did not make a choice to be different. Autopsies have shown that there are actual biological changes in the brains of homosexuals (Trust me, I am in the medical field, or research it for yourself). I may not like it very much, but I don't like cancer, obesity, or the fact that there are a lot of people out there who choose not to use their brain to it's fullest extent. BUT, this is what God has given us to work with, and I choose to be tolerant of the differences. Either this is the work of God or this is a result of our past sins. Maybe it is just God's way of teaching us to be more tolerant of other's differences?

Barbara in Missouri:

I am sorry and sad that you should be abused this way. It never entered my mind that anyone could take issue with that story. Please don't censor the stories you tell. I want to know about *all* kinds of people. And thank you for doing this. It is good to see the good in people -- a lesson evidently lost on some of your readers.

Keith in Virginia:

I just signed up to receive HeroicStories again because you had the guts to print the story about Paulette. Like you, we believe that ALL human beings have inherent worth and dignity.

Danielle in Virginia:

An open mind and heart are wonderful assets, and Emil showed he had both. I feel sad for all those who couldn't step back from their own prejudices and open their minds for even a second.

Jill in Zambia:

I was disappointed that you published something so controversial as the transsexual story. It really made a statement, a statement I don't allow in my home. Please keep to the neutral, wholesome things in life. Things that are innocent and non-controversial. Things that make a person's day, a highlight, not a dark thought. I really thought that HS had this in mind. If you make so many people angry, why not sidestep those issues? I like reading HS because it is bright, and usually wholesome, and it makes me smile and think that the world isn't in such a despairing state. But the controversial story saddened me and we deleted it, my spouse not even reading all of it. Please don't disappoint us like that again. Please keep it bright, simple, happy, and wholesome. I think you can do that for your thousands of "right-wingers." I know that several of my "Bible" friends subscribe to your publication because we referred you to them. I know you have disappointed them, too. Don't make me sorry that we referred you to them. I do enjoy reading your publication normally. It makes my day, usually. You do a good job. Have a good day.

Nick in California:

It's nice to see that at least in some people, reason lives on. I wish that some day we could live in a world where people accepted that people are different from each other, but they're still all people. *sigh* The more people who think like that, the more cynical and disappointed with humanity I become. Why do so many people concern themselves so much with the private affairs of complete strangers?

Lesa in South Dakota:

Count my subscription request as a "bravo" for YOUR heroic stance to publish a story you knew would be unpopular, but you published it, anyway. Anyone whose knee-jerk reaction to "unsubscribe" because of that story would be most unlikely to ever harbor a heroic thought, anyway.

Doug in New York:

To me, the most amazing thing about the whole story was not Paulette's "change" or even the fears she had about other people's reaction to what she had done. What was most amazing was firstly, Emil recognizing the new Paulette, and secondly his withholding any reaction to what Paulette had become. His refusal to ask "why?" was a monument to look at and marvel about. It must be something of a headache dealing with the reaction to running a story like that one. There must be so many people who flame you for it. Just think, though. The people who rant and rave about a story, criticizing your running it haven't been changed into intolerant people, they are just revealing their intolerance. I am sure your publishing those stories must be helping some people re-evaluate their thinking in ways which are beneficial to themselves and those around them. It is knowing that one or two or possibly a number of those people will change which makes all the tirades of the misguided more endurable, I would guess.

Peter (no location given):

I tend to get angry, frustrated, and just plain ticked off over people who condemn other people solely because of a particular classification that they don't like, such as "Transgendered." I was pleased that you received positive e-mail, but it always floors me that people use such harsh and vile terms towards a woman, Paulette, they don't even know. They don't know who Paulette is, what she does, how she treats others, what she's gone through, and yet they're willing to use such vile language against her and others like her. I would have been telling them exactly what I thought of them, their interpretation of religious principles, and the religion they espouse in very explicit terms. I believe it was the very same Jesus of Nazareth these people like to quote who said something about loving your friends is easy, loving your enemies more difficult. Thank you for showing respect.

Steven in Australia:

I don't go along with the hypocritical "love the person, hate the behaviour" that bigots use to excuse their own hateful words and acts. I found the HeroicStories about Paulette to be no more offensive than any of the others. Paulette didn't harm anyone (except, and only in the minds of some, herself). It was a wonderful story, and anyone who took offense at it needs a major attitude adjustment.

RC in Nebraska:

My brother forwards "HeroicStories" to me, and to the rest of my family. I want to thank you for running the story of Paulette and her experience with her old friend. Of course Paulette is heroic in any sense for dealing successfully with her own challenges, but the real hero is her friend, which a number of the people who objected to the piece missed entirely. In quickly perusing the comments of emails in response to that posting I noticed that the people who were incensed noticed only the general subject matter, and reacted harshly. That seems to happen all too often from far too many people, these days, who claim to base their responses to life on Christian doctrine. Again, thank you for running that piece, and putting yourself in the way of criticism from some callous people.

Brian (no location given):

I was actually moved to tears by this story and the reactions it provoked from your readers. Their comments and the story itself threw light on my own predudices and inadequacies, inciting a change for the better. I can appreciate any message which encourages self-improvement, especially when it comes in a package so sweet.

Mike (no location given):

It truly amazes me to see how absolutely intolerant some "Christian" people are, (mis)quoting the bible, disregarding the true spirit of Christ and, basically, coming across as nitwits. I was raised in a fundamentalist religion, and people like those quoted are why I have run far and fast from organized fundamentalist religions since I was a teenager. The hypocrisy makes my skin crawl. The hyper-critical, judgemental writers who over-react only make it more obvious how much of a hero Emil really is. And these fools make it painfully obvious how reasonable the fears of rejection Paulette experiences are. Maybe one day people will wake up and realize the world isn't black and white, but the Bible is. Jesus sat with the "sinners", he and his apostles commanded that we not judge lest we shall be judged, love our neighbor as ourselves, remove the rafter from our own eye first, only those without sin may cast the first stone, etc.

Sue in New York:

I'm just amazed at all the God-fearin' Christians who found it necessary to 1) be on an internet mailing list where they are not assured of only perfectly acceptable Christian information and entertainment; 2) insist that you write your column in a way that is acceptable to them -- regardless of the majority of your readership who is happy to see most of what you have to offer; 3) read an entire story if they found the initial premise of an adjusting transsexual too much to bear; 4) complain about a story they didn't like/approve of instead of just deleting it; 5) rail at you in such a way that they demonstrate a far less Christianly attitude than anything you've EVER shown in your publication! I think anyone who has a problem in seeing the heroics in your stories has blinders on. Even if they have never been in the same situation as the person in the story, they should be able to understand how difficult certain decisions are. I can't imagine how you have that kind of surgery to change such a fundamental part of yourself, but I know that has to be a huge decision. To then go to your family, friends and acquaintances and tell them what's happened must be a daunting task to say the least. If folks would learn this sort of tolerance, that we are all human and deserve basics like not being harassed and hurt, we would all be better off. Much though I try, I can't fully understand the mind that would read that story and then feel compelled to take you to task for it.

David in Ohio:

While I am neither disgusted with the material, I am also not over-joyed either. I am writing this after reading the special page of other readers' comments. I must admit, I was indeed "shocked" (initially) at the subject matter as I read the story. I am in agreement with you that so many of the negative comments seem to jump to conclusions as to what type of lifestyle Paulette must have had. Or, unfortunately, that she was "sick" or "twisted". So many times we are quick to judge people. That is the problem. We judge the person, not the "act". God tells us to "hate the sin, not the sinner". All too often, we hate the sinner. And if that is the case, then we must hate ourselves, because we are all sinners and have come short of the glory of God. One thing I can say with a fair amount of certainty is that Paulette was confused, troubled, probably suffered from low self-esteem, and maybe even depressed. I am sure that most, if not all of us, have had to deal with some of these emotions. While I do not condone her ultimate decision to change the gender that God gave her, I will not persecute her for it, either. She may have chosen to make this change in much the same way people drown their sorrows in alcohol, or escape the "pressures of life" with drugs. She may have seen this action as "the only way out" or might have thought that this operation will result in happiness. OK, so now what? This I will do: I will pray for her that she will humbly seek the complete healing that only God can provide, and that her family and friends will set aside their superficial attitudes and reach out to help the "person", Paulette, with whatever she needs. So to all those that say they believe in the Word of God, do what the Bible says, and lift her up in prayer as well.

Jon in Washington:

You know, it's a pity that there are so many people who read that particular story but completely missed the title. It's even more a pity that so many people read the first sentence and completely missed the remaining ones.

Lynda-Marie in Texas:

For all of the people who picketed Matthew Shepard's funeral, holding up signs, yelling that God hates fags, and would condemn folks like Paulette, I say shame on them, they REALLY need to read the version of the Bible I have read. This version talks about a **true** gentleman named Jesus Christ, who said such "sissy" things as "Love thy neighbor" and "He who is without sin cast the first stone", and taught about love, peace, tolerance, and understanding. I converted to Druidry because I could no longer stand the "good" people who were perverting what is otherwise sublime truth, using it for political reasons and to justify their hateful behavior.

Walter in Singapore:

I guess I'll start off by saying that I'm homophobic in a lot of ways -- at least where sexual issues are concerned. Same goes for transexuals. But your story gave me a simple small slap on the face to remind me that our Lord commanded us to love. I do not think that transexuality is right -- but for that very same reason, we have to come to grips with not shunning the very same people we disapprove of. True love in the Bible was where Jesus ate with the moneylender and touched the Gentiles. Anyone who thinks that even talking about tolerating transexuals is probably too stuck in his own ways that he forgets to look into the mirror in the morning and see beyond the shaving cream. Never once have your stories disappointed me in being that little uplifting force when I read them. I really look forward to them in my mail, and even tho the story on Paulette did shock me a bit, it did NOT turn me off, and rather reminded me that true love in any form in this world, is so hard to come by, and I wonder if it'd be safe to say -- those who love truely and unconditionally as our Lord jesus commanded are those who are the heroes of this world?

Teri of Illinois:

Thank you so much for your unbiased, nonjudgmental and nonbigoted way you ran the story of Paulette! It's very rare that we are not portrayed as the usual Springer deviates and misfits. It's very unfortunate but that is the way the world sees us. Not many transsexuals come forward as did Paulette. The vast majority of us just want to blend in and disappear. I was especially moved that at least some of the population does not want to have us locked up and "put to sleep". And I was happy to see that most understood that Emil was the hero of the story. In addition to the comments I would like to point out to the public that we have so much more to fear from them than they do from us! There are no bands of roaming transsexuals beating, maiming or killing straight people, or any people for that matter. Nor are there transsexual groups trying to deny them the basic rights to housing, employment, insurance, health care or life itself. I don't want anything more or less than anyone else already has. It's truly a shame in this world that the fear we have of those things we don't understand turns into such hatred. But it has gone on throughout history and continues all over the world today. So many people are deprived of the right to life disguised in the name of what's "right" or "not right" but in reality is ignorance, bigotry and hatred.

Wanda in Florida:

I am shocked at some people's attitudes, especially those who are claiming to be Christians. Let me just state right here, right now, that I am a Bible-totin' believer. However, I am SO disappointed in my supposed brothers and sisters in the Lord for their harsh words and judemental stance. I was a little uncomfortable while reading the story, but I just knew there was something there worth hanging on for. And I wasn't disappointed. I pondered it for awhile after reading it, to make sure I had grasped what I needed to from it. I congratulate Emil for his kindness toward Paulette. I believe that Jesus would probably have taken her into His arms and held her for awhile. What she has been through has surely been a traumatic ordeal. The thing that some have missed here, as you said, is that this story is not about Paulette. It is about Emil. It is about his overcoming prejudices and misconceptions and doing the right thing. And the right thing is ALWAYS mercy and love toward fellow human beings. No amount of condemnation ever changed anyone -- in fact, it brings rebellion against the very idea you are trying to get across to them. That doesn't mean we have to be best friends with someone we disagree with. It only means we allow them to live their life, we give them the room to be whomever they are, without condemnation, and without looking down our noses. And we try to be the best example we can be.

Jonathan in the Philippines:

I'm 16 years old and live in the Philippines, where the population is strongly Catholic. I spent my elementary education in a Catholic school, in fact. Looking at the opinions of the people who wrote to you, I have difficulty believing we believe in the same God. I was taught that God is a loving God. I don't think it's this loving God some of those who wrote to you believe in. In addition, I am repelled at the use of religion to defend something such as bigotry.

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Again, if you haven't read Paulette's story, it is right here.